I am reminded of a story I read as a child as I reflect on this last week. Kids were getting terrified of a snake in a field when they want to play there. One day, a sage passed through the field, observes this, and suggests the snake to ease off, and let it share the field with all others. Snake listens, and stops resorting to aggression. Over the next few months, the kids, the passer-bys and others get accustomed to the now insipid snake. Some kids even start using it as a toy, thrashing across the field and so on. Sage – on his return from his travels –passes through the field again and realises the sorry state of the snake. It tells the snake that his advice to her was not to be aggressive and selfish, but he never meant her to become the opposite and become submissive, retired, insipid.

As I started the week - at work and the general life - I realise a similar pattern of “holding things too tightly”. Whether it’s work-related tasks/duties, personal desires or wishes, everything is shrouded in some expectations. It’s all fuelled by a sense of being in control, being in charge, driving things, ensuring correct outcome, planning meticulously for that goal to achieve, and so on. Being a programme manager by heart, it’s my day job to plan, to mitigate risks, to assume responsibility, to know the answers to it all. It take a toll - and becomes too involved. This fuels a sense of anxiety, and the repeated and regular anxiety and associated stress, leading to burn out. Same pattern I observe in personal life too. Expectation to be in touch with friends, family, to write, to read, to go exercise, to save up, to spend frugally, organically, ethically, to watch less tv, to be outside more, to do this and that….And when you add the fuel of imposter syndrome to this dynamic, the feeling of needing to prove myself all the time, to strive for more, to be successful, to be part of a different culture/foreign country as an immigrant, to be assertive more, and so on, there is a systemic hamster-wheel of sorts that is funnelling a sense of persistent threat, fuelling the sense of being in charge and in control, then in turn that exhausting the resources, space, and well-being. I am starting to find am constantly distracted, moving around, and not “present”.

And while reflecting as above, that reflection itself is causing a sense of guilt. A voice in me pops up and says “oh, you just have to manage that. You should do more meditation. You should be more mindful. More aware. Read more of productivity stuff, perhaps Sahil Bloom. Whatever. Relentless.

I realise that it’s not proving useful. Like the proverbial snake, am burning out the other parts of my being. I am getting quite attached to the outcome or expectations and engaging with everything in a stressful way rather than positive, inquisitive ways that I often thought a default way I engage.

I acknowledge that it’s how it is now. Or at least the week has been. Don’t mistake me for the week being shit - it was good, was productive, was lovely in bits and pieces, but exhausting.

So, what am I going to do about it?

Am not going to retire like the snake did, but hold all of that lightly. Engage in things as needed, be aware of what expectations that are driving my reactions Cultivate a present-moment awareness, and to loosen my hold a bit. Chill! Reframe the experiences instead of expectation-fuelled chore, but as enjoyable opportunities for self exploration and growth. Easy said and done, and there’s a real chance all of this going to become another stick to beat myself with next week. I realise I have been self-critical, but I am going to be kind to myself. Not going to be passive or disengaged, but work to find balance between actively participating in life while also maintaining a sense of detachment.